I had never felt the way I am feeling right now when I realized that I have never felt falling in love to anyone. I once had a girlfriend but I wasn’t sure if I did loved her or not. Since then when I went to college I was never in a relationship. When I openly admitted that I was gay to myself after an event that took place that had left me with no choice but to embrace and to accept what I was. I never had a relationship to anyone that I could even consider being in love. I didn’t know how to feel it to a person or to someone for that matter. I guess I am not capable of falling in love or I just didn’t know how to feel it. Is my heart hard as stone and that I am not capable of falling in love?
After watching a movie “The Vow” I realized that how come I have not felt that kind of love. As if it was stolen from me the ability to look at a person and feel that I am in love. I am forty and I am on my way of being alone forever.
I had forgotten the pain of being not normal as a child of having been sexually abused at an early age and growing up thinking why my father treated me the way he did before. Something is missing with my life and I would wonder about it for the rest if my life. I became a victim again when the person that I only trusted for so many years had betrayed me. I trust people so easily because I grew up thinking that I did wrong and I deserved all the things that happened.
I am starting to realized that my heart is so numbed that I could no longer find in my heart to feel, to share myself and to be brave enough to love. I am not sad I am just realizing something that I had never thought of for years. I feel that I have wasted my time and my life to the friend whom I thought would be there no matter what the odds are.
Am I capable of loving? Am I worth loving? Am I still a person or I am just a body with no spirit at all.
Dear, Dear Packo — I have asked myself these questions so many times — I can feel your hurt in my heart. You are a person who is lovable, and well-loved, by me if not anyone else. You have a very strong spirit, and you have conquered so very much. To me, it sounds like the first thing to do is learn how to love yourself. The abuse, of which you were the victim, not the cause, steals away the belief that we are lovable, and then sadness takes over. Practice telling yourself that you love yourself — tell yourself good things about yourself, and soon you’ll begin to believe them! Now may not be the time to find a new lover — unless that lover is yourself. XOXOXO
Thanks Judith. I appreciate all the kind words that you have shared with me.